Old Lady Qin's Mischief
by Shinryudan
Summary: Qin, the original state of China, and mother of China, writes letters to various countries, concerning their lineage. France exploits this newfound information in a scary way... Rated T for explicit material.
1. Old Lady Qin's Mischief

This fanfic revolves around the confusing families of Hetalia.

_Sitting in her little house in Beijing, Qin, the first state and the base of the People's Republic of China, sipped her tea quietly._

"_I ought to send some letters to people. Especially my son, China. He needs a good scolding once in a while. This old woman needs something to do once in a while." she decided._

_This is only __part_ _of the reason she was sending letters. Qin was extremely interested in family histories. In her country, it was routine to keep track of ancestors. She was especially interested in the descendants of the Roman Empire, Africa, and that oddly rich-in-culture country, Harappa. No one remembers her, because there's really nothing left. Too bad that she's gone now._

_Anyway, back to the point. Qin wasn't used to using computers, so she went and read many books on the histories of the countries mentioned earlier._

_She found something EXTREMELY interesting... The countries that formed Roman Empire were largely in Europe, and many of them, with the exception of Italy, didn't know of their lineage._

"_Oh! I can freak out a lot of people with this! But... what about France? Eh... screw that. I'm going to die soon anyway. Looks like that letter to China will have to wait. " she thought._

Letter to England

Mr. England:

Hello, this is Qin. You may not know me, but if you paid attention in your history classes, you'll know. I came across some very interesting information in my studies of the Roman Empire. You may not be aware of this, but the Roman Empire once encompassed England, and several other European countries. Due to the fact that the Italy brothers are the biological grandsons of the Roman Empire, you are a sort of stepbrother to them. Obviously, at one point or another, Rome slept with Britannia, your grandmother, I believe. Just thought you'd like to know. I don't take any responsibility for any other country realizing this connection.

Qin

Letter to France

Monsieur France:

In my studies of the Roman Empire, I discovered that England and France were once part of the Roman Empire. You and England are technically stepbrothers, in that aspect. Gaul was your grandmother, correct? I believe she may have had an... affair with Rome. So, the Italy brothers are also your stepbrothers. However, because they are his biological grandsons, they receive first priority for the inheritance of Rome. This is just a little fact I thought you might want to know.

Qin

Letter to North Italy

Signore Veneziano:

Hello, little one! I want you to mail this list of countries to every country on this list. You must say that they are the grandchildren of Rome. This is a little trivia for you. Have some fun with your new stepbrothers and stepsisters!

North Italy

South Italy

Sicily

France

England

Spain

Portugal

Switzerland

Liechtenstein

Vatican City

Hungary

Greece

Romania

Bulgaria

Turkey

Egypt

Israel

Palestine

Iraq

- Qin


	2. France's Little Game

A continuation...

I do not claim Hetalia for my own.

_Reply from England_

_Mrs. Qin,_

_Interesting, although I'm disturbed a certain fact... I shall have to invite you over for tea sometime. It's disturbing to think I'm related to those dimwits... Always obsessed with pasta! They can't fight either! I will not stand for my relatives to be weak! _

_Britain_

_Reply from France_

_Madame Qin,_

_Merçi, Madame Qin. It's so... lovely, to have so many siblings. Papa never told me about his papa. Grand-mère was always alone when I went to her house. It never occurred to me that my grand-père was never there. I always thought he was dead. It's not uncommon for a lot of underhanded affairs to go around in my family. I'm not surprised that Rome had slept with her. Now, I'm off to... spread the good news! Au revoir!_

_France_

_A Letter from Spain_

_Señora Qin,_

_¡Hola! Italy told me you sent him a list of grandchildren of Roma! Gracias, because I have so many new siblings! On the other hand, I can't marry Italy anymore. Abuela told me Abuelo was big and strong, but I never imagined it was Roma!_

_España_

_A Letter from Portugal_

_Senhora Qin,_

_I am Portugal. Irmão Spain told me about the list. So now I'm brothers with Spain? Not exactly what I expected, but whatever. I find it interesting, so I will set out to meet my new siblings._

The next day, France was going doing various... things. He got into another, "marriage," with Spain, out of, "desperation." Spain, of course, doesn't notice a thing.

Later on, France went and tried to do the same thing to England.

"AWAY YOU FOBBISH TWIT! TOUCH ME AND I'LL CALL THE HER MAJESTY'S ROYAL GUARD!" England proclaimed.

"Come on, mon ami, it's just a little game..." France said, creepily.

For the first time in anyone's memory, France failed in a sexual pursuit...

Somewhere else, Italy was running around in happy daze.

"Fratello, calm down! What's this about having new step-siblings?" Romano demanded.

"Signora Qin told me! She said when Grandpa Rome was still around around, he had a lot of affairs with people from places he conquered. I don't really know what that means, but it sounds funny!" Italy said.

The following morning, every country on the list received an invitation to a, "family reunion," hosted by Italy.

Everyone came... but then, a certain person became very angry with another person...

All the while, Qin is laughing her ass off, without busting a lung.


	3. The Reunion

The story goes on!

I do not claim Hetalia for my own.

_Italy spent all day making pasta for the, "reunion." Japan and Germany came over to Italy's house for tea._

"Italy, what are you making so much pasta for?" Japan inquired.

"Relax, Japan. It's probably one of his pasta obsession fits." Germany said.

"I'm making pasta for the family reunion tomorrow! Signora Qin told Romano and I that we have a bunch of stepbrothers and stepsisters!" Italy said.

"Family reunion?" Germany said.

"Qin-sama? I remember her from living with China. She's China's mother. She must be old. I want to send some letters as well. You should do so as well, Germany. Oba-san will be very surprised to hear from us." Japan said.

"I suppose it would be very interesting to find out more about my family." Germany said.

"However, simply pasta is not enough! I refuse to let any ally of mine to serve simple bland food at a party! The divine palate of Japan will aid in this effort!" he declared.

_Due to Japan's help, large bowls of soba noodles, ramen, and nikujaga were made. Many platters of sushi, and other Japanese dishes covered the tables of Italy's parlor. (Only Italy would still have a parlor for a party...)_

_Later, more chaos ensued. For some reason, India got a hold of Qin's mailing address._

_Letter from India_

_Qin-ji,_

_Namaste, dadi-ji. I have heard of your genealogical findings. I wanted to tell you more about my actual dadi, Harappa. In her day, big cities were built, and many advancements, like the invention of the wheel, were made. However, no one has managed to decipher the ancient script of that time. Even Indian linguists are at a loss. So there's not much I can tell you. My little sister, Sri Lanka and brothers, Iran and Afghanistan say hello. I won't say anything for that pouty little bastard, Pakistan._

_India_

_Letter from Germany_

_Qin,_

_Gutentag, I am Germany. Italy told us about your findings. Would you mind telling me more about my family? All I know about is mein Vater, Holy Rome. He was a weird one in those days. Danke schon._

_Germany_

_Letter from Japan_

_Qin-sama,_

_Konichiwa, Qin oba-san. Do you remember me? I am Japan. China found me as a child. I would like to say that it is quite kind of you to tell them these things. But, if France realized this connection, much incest would ensue... I don't want to think about it... _

_Japan_

_Letter from Chibitalia?_

_Qin,_

_Veeee~! I am Italia. The older me told me about a reunion. I decided to go, but Turkey's going to be there... He almost took Romano! I will feast on much pasta!_

_Chibitalia_

During the reunion, France went around groping many people... Unfortunately, he got to Veneziano, although it's totally clear why...

He almost got England, but failed...

France made the wrong move by going for Austria. He was right behind him, and THWACK. Hungary was beating him over the head with a frying pan.

"I have the Lord's approval!" she shouted.

When Chibitalia walked in, everyone stared.

Unfortunately, the first person to approach him was Romano. Romano then proceeded to kick Chibitalia.

"ROMANO YOU CAN'T KICK AROUND YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT!" Hungary cried out, while still beating France over the head.

Spain and France tried to hug Chibitalia, but they decided to use him as a soccer ball. Austria joined in too.

"Please! I don't want to be a soccer ball again!" Chibitalia cried. But no one listened.

"Just like the good old days, right?" France said.

Hungary, unable to stand by, started to beat France.

Italy ate a lot of pasta, but became furious that no one else was eating.

"THAT'S IT! YOU SHALL FEEL THE FURY OF PAAASTAAAA~!

Easily the only time Italy became genuinely angry.

The entire room was thrown into chaos. Blood, scraps of clothing, questionable liquids, and pasta could be seen in flight.

Outside the window, the Asian and non-Romanized countries stared into the room, watching the spectacle unfold.

"This is why I'll never understand Europeans." India said. Hong Kong and Taiwan, oddly enough agreed with her.

"Aiyaaah! You are wasting food! All of that could feed so many of the poor and hungry in India and China! I won't stand for this, aru!" he said.

He was about to break into the window, but Japan intervened.

"Can't you see? It's already getting pretty bad. Not to mention it's quite amusing to watch. Enjoy this while it lasts." Japan said.

Japan had a travel kotatsu in his pocket, India had several tapas mats, and China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and others brought their traveling tea sets. Typical. Asians cannot go without a cup of tea. Or a nap.

Staring at me, who was watching the entire time, Japan said, "What? We must drink tea. Tea calms the mind. Not to mention it tastes good. Come have some."

YES. I get tea.

*dadi = grandmother in Hindi

*-ji = equivalent of -san in Hindi


	4. Latvia, It's Always Your Fault

Disclaimer: Hetalia is NOT mine.

_While Japan and the other Asian countries were drinking their tea, other issues were going on in Europe._

"Latvia, why are you crying?" Iceland asked.

_But he's __always__ crying. And since when is Iceland actively social?_

"Sweden's having one of his fits again!" Latvia cried.

In the other room, Iceland heard Sweden was being angry with Finland... quietly, of course.

"You are the wife, therefore you must listen to everything I say. Shut up, while I try to take the rest of them." Sweden said.

"But you're gay! And you think I'm a girl! How does that work?" Finland said, frantically.

"Back to business, da?" Russia said, with his usual creepy smile.

"I helped you in a lot of hard times, when I was living in your house. So, in return, you must give me something in return. You will join our family. This way, I will become the strongest country. My son Sealand is a failure anyway." Sweden said.

"BROTHER IS MINE!" Belarus cried.

"I don't want to join your family... it makes Latvia sad." Ukraine said.

_Sweden became angry, though it wasn't quite apparent. Belarus, in order to "protect," her brother, she tackled Sweden, and almost ripped his shirt to shreds, and cutting into his skin. Ukraine cried for her to stop, but then Latvia came in to see if Sweden had stopped his fits, but instead, Russia threw him into the ball of chaos between Belarus and Sweden. Belarus blames Latvia for the eventual burning of Sweden's house. Stupid Latvia. |t's always your fault._

Back at the tea party of the Asian countries, Japan got a phone call.

"Yes? Osaka, are you pulling my leg again? I never..." Japan said, before his face reddened.

"What is it, Japan?" India asked.

"Apparently, I have a son, named Ryukyu... I don't know the mother is..." Japan said.

(TO BE CONTINUED)


	5. Japan's New Family Life

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.

Continuation!

"Japan has a son? Aiyaaaah! I'm getting old!" China exclaimed.

"Why are you complaining?" Japan asked.

"I found you in the woods, so that makes me your adoptive older brother! So, I'm your kid's adoptive uncle, aru!" China said.

"Damn. I hate it when he does that." Japan muttered.

"Taiwan's his aunt too, and Hong Kong is his uncle." China also pointed out.

In the bushes, a little boy with a robe much like Japan when he was a little boy, stood. He was watching intently, and had a look as though he was embarrassed to come out. Am I the only one noticing this? Whatever.

Taiwan was blushing, and then began to speak.

"I am the mother! I'm sorry Japan! I didn't know! They asked me to nurse the fetus inside me... They didn't tell me it was your child!" Taiwan cried.

Japan was dumbstruck. Someone had somehow engineered an embryo that combined his DNA with Taiwan's, and some other person.

"In traditional Japanese fashion, you will come to live in my house!" Japan angrily declared.

Somewhere inside the Italian parlor, Turkey and Greece's sixth senses kicked in. Both stopped, and said, "OH NO. JAPAN'S ANGRY?"

_The next day..._

_(Someone knocks on the door)_

"Taiwan! Get the door! I'm still pounding the rice for the mochi!"

Taiwan opened the door, and looked both ways, then looked at the ground. It was a little boy, who looked vaguely like Japan and Taiwan.

"Konichiwa. I am Ryukyu Kingdom, where the sun sits at noon." he said.

Taiwan picked him up, and showed him to Japan.

"This is my son? He better know how to speak Japanese and write in Katakana. The first thing a father must teach his son is how to pound rice! Then, I shall make him a prodigy in art of cooking. Then music. Then mathematics. Then science. Blah blah blah..."

_Typical Japan. High expectations._

"Yes, Chichiue." Ryukyu said.

"Good, he knows how to respect his parents." Japan said, almost proudly.

Over the next few years, Ryukyu became very hardworking, and also very patient, like his father. It was not very apparent what he inherited from Taiwan. Until he started going to the World Conferences with Japan. He was constantly worrying about the economy of Japan, and his own little islands, almost too much. Otherwise, he was practically an Asian Chibitalia. Except that he was better in every way. He was smarter, stronger, and didn't lose focus often.

The Roman Reunion, as it was then called, had ended. Chibitalia was very sad, because no one wanted to play with him. Chibiroma was mean to him, Cyprus was always taunting Sealand, and Wy was too busy perfecting her own art to paint with him.

"Who shall play with me today?" Chibitalia said.

He then spotted Ryukyu tending Taiwan's garden.

"Ciao, fratello! I am Chibitalia! What is your name? Would like to play with me today?" Chibitalia said.

"I'm Ryukyu, but sorry, but I have chores to do. I must obey my father. You should do so as well." Ryukyu said.

"Ryukyu, I won't have you lazing around! Chibitalia, get out!" Japan yelled.

Chibitalia then went sailing through the air, crying.

TO BE CONTINUED...

**I'd appreciate some suggestions for this! Thanks.**


	6. The Defeat of France

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

_(Back to what we saw earlier: Chibitalia crying, and flying through the air, after being kicked by Japan.)_

"I'm just a little kid! How could Japan kick me like that? He needs to eat a little pasta, and lighten up. I just wanted to play with that little boy..." Chibitalia said, covering his wounds.

_In the house of Japan..._

"Ryukyu, while you are still young, you need to focus on advancing your studies, so that you can have more time for music when you're older." Japan said.

"You can go a little easy on him! Let him run around and play, for once. At least, let him play video games in his room, or use his computer." Taiwan said, trying to defend her son.

"Absolutely not! Everyone knows what happens when children start using the Internet at a young age... Yaoi may be made in my country, but that does not mean I approve!" Japan said.

_Ryukyu then went to his room, wondering what the Internet was._

_Meanwhile, at England's house..._

Blood was everywhere, and France loomed over England with a frenzied look. France had slept with just about every other country, without them knowing. Now he had cornered England.

"Come on, Angleterre, you know you want to..." France said in a blatantly pedophile-ish voice.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! I DON'T WANT TO BE RAPED!" England said, kicking France's exposed vitals with heeled dress shoes, which apparently had no effect.

_I know, I'll turn France into a girl, who will then flee, because I will rape HIM, and be rid of him forever... _England thought.

Whipping out his magic wand, he screamed, "GENDERBEND!"

Only to find out the wand was pointed the opposite way. Typical England. Always screwing up magic.

While the spell was executed correctly, it backfired. LITERALLY.

There, a long-haired, red-faced, blonde girl sat, in men's clothes many times too big.

"Ah... this will be even better..." France said.

"NOOOOOOO!" England screamed, as France succeeded in his lifelong goal.

Afterward, while leaving England's house, France muttered to himself, "Ah... that felt good... Who shall I go after next...? AH! I know who! That damn Hungary!"

In Hungary's, or should I say Austria's, house, Hungary sat with a small baby, being continually pinched on the cheeks, despite its rather obvious protests, in her lap. No, this is not her child. You'll see why...

"Ah... That was SO easy. Prussia, you're way better off as a baby. Those magic lessons from Romania and Norway definitely paid off... (Sixth sense kicks in) Wait, it seems that France actually got to England... He was terrible at magic anyway. I CAN FINALLY REPLACE HIM." Hungary said.

Hungary, knowing how the Genderbend spell worked _properly_, turned herself into Mangary and France into a girl again. Mangary was quite aware of his transformation. However... France was blindsided by the spell, completely unaware he had become a girl, because his clothing sizes didn't change, as his clothing is highly androgynous.

France walked into Hungary's room, and was surprised to find a man there instead.

"If that's Austria, you look oddly like Hungary." France said.

"I _am _Hungary." he said, wickedly.

France, at once knowing what had happened, began running, but the door was locked.

Hungary grabbed France, who kicked and screamed, and threw him on the bed.

Hungary had done the unfathomable. Raping France in such a position that he would object.

"NON!" France screamed, before being overtaken by Hungary.

To be continued...

**I may have to finish this at the climax of the Ryukyu-Chibitalia story...**


End file.
